Relief
by unbreakable86
Summary: RE-POSTED: When a ghost from Amanda's past comes to New York to haunt her, can she do what is necessary to heal her wounds and save her relationship? Established Rolivia.


**Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Dick Wolf does.**

 **A/N 1: This is a REPOST ! I apologize if you have already read it, but apparently someone reported me and I had to take this one down.**

 **A/N2: I watched** _ **Forgiving Rollins**_ **and this is the outcome. I've been venturing into the Rolivia realm in the past couple of weeks, experimenting with ideas… It was the process of just throwing things against the wall to see what sticks. I have taken a few liberties regarding the plot and it's written from Amanda's POV. Thoughts are in italics. I hope you enjoy.**

xxxx

 **Relief**

" _Let me heal the wounds you've held on to for all these years. Break the cycle. Break the chains, cause love is louder than all your pain."_

You knocked at your Sergeant's office door after your former Chief had a supposed heart attack on the stand and Olivia motioned for you to come inside while talking on the phone. You heard her say, "Okay, thanks for the update."

Hanging up, the brunette informed you that Deputy Chief Patton did not have a heart attack, but an anxiety attack.

"So the trial will continue?" you asked, shrugging your shoulders, not knowing what to think. The moment you had entered her office and looked into those deep, dark brown eyes you had wanted to break down and cry. But you couldn't.

"Well I'm not sure about that," Liv answered, smiling softly at you. It made you want to cry even more, so you turned around to leave her office. "Would you close the door for a sec?"

Having turned your back to her, you rolled your eyes and did as she asked, at the same time asking yourself what the hell was wrong with you, because Olivia Benson was your girlfriend. She had a right to know everything and had a right to try and help you. You on the other hand, had no right to shut her out like you did.

"Amanda, what Patton did to you, you've been pushing down for years. And if you don't deal with this now, it's gonna keep you trapped or stuck more than it already has."

 _Here we go._

"Okay."

Cocking her head to the side, the brunette added, "You have an opportunity here, Manda."

You buried your hands deeply into your jeans pockets, "I've gone through it. You're only as sick as your secrets. And I'm going to meetings."

Olivia sighed deeply, "Yeah, for gambling. I know you don't like feeling sorry for yourself. I get it. But can you go back to that detective that you were five years ago and feel compassion for her?"

Shaking your head in resignation, you took a deep breath, "I walked into it. You know, I put myself into that position."

Brown eyes softened, "You have to _stop_ blaming yourself, Baby. You can move past this."

"Are we switching into girlfriend mode now? I'm _okay_!" you snapped.

 _God, Rollins! Stop being such an asshole!_

The flash of pain you saw in her eyes was gone as quickly as it had come and you hated yourself for putting it there. She rubbed her face with her hands and pushed herself up from her chair. Getting something from her desk drawer, she walked around the desk, "Look, I know that you think that therapy is paying someone to talk about your problems."

She came to a halt in front of you and you raised your hands, "I shouldn't have said that to you. I'm sorry."

Eyes sparkling, she softly cupped your cheek, "Then make it up to me. I want you to see my therapist."

You pulled away, frantically scanning the squad room if anyone was watching. The blinds were open and you two had been trying not to take the PDA into work. "I'm not seeing _your_ therapist."

She let her left hand fall limply to her side, her right hand holding a business card out for you to take, "Baby, it's just for a referral. I know he has time later today. I'm gonna tell him that you're gonna call. It's important, Amanda."

You ripped the card from her hand and stalked past her, "Okay, _Sergeant_!"

Seeing the tears in her eyes, you knew that you had gone too far. She walked around her desk, sitting down behind it, putting the professional distance back between the two of you, her desk metaphorically acting as the line between her being your girlfriend or her being your Sergeant. Fighting back your own tears, you left her office. You were not used to being in a loving relationship. It was something you still had to get used to. However, Liv did not deserve to be shut out on this. So while sitting down at your own desk, you picked up your cell and called the number on the business card Olivia had given you just minutes earlier.

xxxx

Bouncing your leg nervously, you skimmed a magazine from the coffee table in the waiting room. You shook your head and tried to push through this. For Olivia and yourself. For your relationship. Letting the magazine flop back down onto the table, you took a pillow from the sofa and hugged it tightly to your chest. You leaned forward and your eyes zeroed in on the golden letters on black metal hanging on the closed wooden door, screaming at you, giving you a headache, making your mind spin.

 _Dr. Peter Lindstrom_

 _Psychiatrist_

You threw the pillow onto the couch with force, startling Frannie who had been peacefully lying at your feet, snoring contentedly. "I'm sorry, Frannie May," you breathed, softly scratching your dog behind her ears, "Come on, let's go home."

Getting up from the couch, you slipped on your coat, leash in hand, waiting for your dog to join you at the door. When she did not, you turned around and smiled at the picture. Frannie was sitting in front of the door to the psychiatrist's office, looking between you and the door. Crouching down, you tried to call Frannie one more time, "Come on, girl. Let's go home."

Frannie cocked her head to the side, her ears shooting up, before she made her way back over to the waiting room couch, flopping down to the floor in front of it once again with a deep sigh. You let out a snort at how dramatic she was being, thinking about your girlfriend and how you hurt her so much with your words, or lack thereof, how you wanted to make it up to her by trying to give this therapist a chance. You wanted to try and get over yourself; for the sake of your love. So you sat back down, ridding yourself of your coat once again, laying it across your lap, attempting to push your anxiety and nervous energy aside while waiting for Dr. Lindstrom to call your name.

xxxx

Turning the key in the lock, you opened the door to your apartment later that night. It was not locked so you knew that Olivia was there.

 _Way to go, Rollins. She has a key to your flipping apartment and you can't even talk to her about what happened to you? Jeez!_

The apartment was dark. Thinking Olivia was probably asleep in your bed, you gently lay the keys into the bowl next to the door before ridding yourself of your shoes and coat. After freeing Frannie of the leash, she happily bounded over to her bed in the living room, turning in circles two, three times, before curling up in a furry ball and getting comfortable. You walked over and scratched her behind her ears lovingly, making her sigh, "Good night, Frannie girl. I love you."

Making your way to the bedroom, you noticed the stream of soft light coming out from underneath, and as slowly and as quietly as you could, you turned the doorknob, entering the bedroom on your tiptoes. Your heart skipped a beat at what you saw. Olivia was sitting up in bed, propped up by the pillows, her hair tousled, her black-framed glasses perched on her nose, reading _The Hunger Games_. The tank top she was wearing gave you a peek of her beautiful cleavage, making your mouth water and your core twitch immediately. So you tried to hold yourself together as she looked up from her book, smiling softly at you, "Hi."

"Hey, Baby." You had to clear your throat to get rid of the sudden hoarseness, because Olivia Benson and her natural sexiness sometimes really were too much for you to handle. You crawled toward her on the bed and pulled the sheets back, carefully straddling her lap. You pried the book from her hands and placed it on the bedside table before pulling her glasses off and doing the same with them. You started unbuttoning your blouse, your gaze never leaving hers and you let your bra follow, creating a pile of clothes on the floor. Watching her swallow hard, you leaned forward and reached for her tank, swiftly pulling it over her head and, as expected, she was not wearing a bra. You slid down her body, hooking your forefingers into her pants and panties, tugging them down in one move, before grabbing her knee pits and pulling so she was lying on her back, her head on the fluffy pillows. Getting up, you rid yourself of your dress pants and undergarments, completing the pile on the floor.

"Amanda, I don't think that this is a good idea–" You quickly leaned down and kissed her chastely to get her to stop talking. Climbing back on top of her, you pulled the sheets back up and around you, guiding her arms around your back so she could hold you. You placed your head onto her right shoulder, her hair tickling your nose as you took a deep breath, closing your eyes. Her heart was pounding and her breath had hitched when your bare bodies connected, but she just held you, her fingertips dancing languidly along your spine. She smelled divine, rose petals with a hint of magnolias, and you relished in the moment, trying to relax so you could finally find the strength to tell her everything.

Olivia waited patiently for you to be ready, stroking your hair and back, and kissing your forehead every now and then. Your lips brushed her jaw and you placed your right hand right above her heart, feeling the steady beating there, letting it soothe you. Just being with her, hearing that beautiful, soft voice, feeling her skin, always soothed you like nothing else and you felt the giant ball of anxiety gradually leave your body, the weight on your chest becoming less heavy with each passing second. Taking another deep breath, you finally broke the silence, "Did you get my message?"

Her fingers stroked your lower back and wandered to your backside, making you shiver lightly, "I did, Baby. How was the meeting?"

"It was good. I'm sorry, I really needed one after talking to Dr. Lindstrom. I wanted to come straight back home, but that wouldn't have done any good."

Her lips were pressed to your forehead and you could feel them curl into a soft smile, "Never apologize to me if you need a meeting. I'm very happy that you attend them when needed. That's progress."

"I did it to save my sister," you suddenly blurted. "When Patton said that we could make her charges go away I didn't hesitate. I have kept telling myself for the past five years that it was my own fault. When Barba prepped me for the stand was the first time I actually admitted to myself that Patton raped me. That he used his power to satisfy his sick fantasies. I was a victim. I still am. I know that now. I talked to the therapist and I'm really glad that I gave him a chance. I now know that you can't judge something that you haven't tried."

She had tightened her hold on you and you felt and heard her chuckle, "It's the same with food, my love."

You knew that she was trying to lighten the mood and you loved her even more for it. Grinning, you mumbled, "Why, Sarge… are you trying to not so subtly tell me that I have to start eating mushrooms?"

Her hearty laughter filled the bedroom and you internally patted yourself on the back for making her laugh, "Not at all, Baby. I was talking about things you haven't tried. I will never forget your face when I made my filled mushrooms for the first time. You promised that you'd try them, but that disgusted face, while at the same time trying not to hurt my feelings was hilarious."

Pushing yourself up on your elbows, you beamed at her. You brushed your noses together lovingly before leaning down to kiss her. It was just a brush of your lips, but it meant so much more in that moment. Resting your head back onto her shoulder, you buried your nose into her hair, breathing in her redolence. "I'm so sorry, Olivia. I didn't mean to shut you out. I've done it for a while and I am so lucky that you are still by my side."

She turned her head to face you, tears brimming her eyes. "Oh, Baby," she breathed, her hold on you tightening once more. "I would never just give up on us and end this because we hit a rough patch. I love you way too much for that. Even if I have banged my head against the metaphorical wall with you for the last few months, I still love you and we can work through this. You're the love of my life."

You snickered, "And here I thought Alex was."

She pinched your sides, making you let out a surprised squeak, "I'm serious, Amanda."

Kissing her neck lightly, you whispered, "I know, Baby. I know. And I'm so lucky to have you. I will look for another therapist though. I don't think it is appropriate for me to see yours. You're my boss and, most importantly, my girlfriend. But I will look for a therapist, starting tomorrow."

"Okay, my Baby. I'm glad," she smiled, leaning over to chastely kiss you once again.

"Dr. Lindstrom made me realize that I have to stop blaming myself to really start the healing process. I know that you tried to tell me that as well and I'm sorry I didn't listen. I am a victim, I just needed that little push he gave me to see it. Technically, I know all these things because I'm a SVU detective, but it's different when you actually are in that kind of situation yourself. I blamed the victim because it was me, which I would never do on the job."

"I know, Baby. That's a process, too. The realizing things. After I was assaulted at Sealview I tried to push it to the back of my mind and I suffered from PTSD. It wasn't rape, but it stayed with me. The same happened with Lewis, but after Lewis, therapy helped me greatly to deal with it. You are on a good way here. You admitted to yourself that you were raped and you admitted to yourself that you are a victim. Now the healing process can begin. And you must not forget that I am always by your side, no matter what."

Tears sprang to your eyes at her words, "Thank you, Liv. I don't know what I did to deserve you."

Squeezing you, she kissed your nose and your lips, "You don't have to do anything. I just love you."

Burying yourself deeper into your lover's embrace, you sighed, "I love you too, my Baby. More than anything."

"Always…"

You smiled, "Always."

Pushing yourself up you kissed her once again, tangling your hands in her hair this time, deepening the kiss. Having framed her head with your arms, your weight rested on your elbows, as you let your tongue slowly trace her lips, asking for access. Her lips parted, meeting you halfway, and you both moaned softly at the first contact. Your tongues tangled, her hands roaming your back now, your nipples hardening because her touch caused your skin to erupt in goose bumps.

Breaking the kiss, you let your lips slowly travel along her jaw to her neck, nibbling on caramel skin here and there, peppering it with butterfly kisses. She pressed her head further into the pillows, giving you better access. Your tongue darted out and you licked your way back up to her ear, biting the lobe gently. You felt her shudder and heard her moan, her hands squeezing your hips firmly.

Her breathless voice reached your ear, "Baby… are–uuuugh–are you sure that this is a good idea?"

Straddling her waist again, you kissed your way back up to her mouth, sealing it with another kiss before looking into those deep brown eyes you loved so much, "I'm sure, Liv. Make love to me."

She smiled softly before sitting up with you in her lap, "Is this okay?"

Wrapping your arms around her neck, you buried your fingers into her hair and pulled her closer, "This is perfect. You are perfect."

You kissed her again, pushing your tongue inside a little more forcefully now, feeling her hands wander all over your body before rounding your breasts. She cupped them gently, tenderly massaging them, making you whimper into her hot, wet mouth. She broke your liplock to be able to kiss your neck, hot, open-mouthed kisses to overheated flesh, and you felt her tongue dance across your skin intermittently. Without being able to help it, your hips started a gentle thrusting motion, your body primed and ready for release already.

When her palms grazed your nipples you thrusted a little more sharply, throwing your head back and biting your lip in anticipation. "God, you're so beautiful, Amanda," she rasped out between kisses, making her way further down to your breasts, taking your right nipple into her mouth.

Arching your back a little further, you could not hold back a throaty moan that echoed through the bedroom. She wrapped her free arm around your waist to steady you and you automatically leaned back into her embrace. She let her tongue swirl around your nipple before suckling gently, slowly but surely driving you crazy.

Leaning back forward, you pulled on her hair. She let your nipple go with a soft pop, making you wail once again, "Please, Olivia. I need you inside me."

She grinned, connecting your lips briefly before pulling back. Her right hand stopped massaging your breast and traveled further down, lightly tickling your abdomen before making its way between your legs. You shuddered in anticipation, but she did not do anything except for watching you.

"Baby, _please_!" you whined, thrusting your hips into thin air, desperately wishing for her to do something. When you felt her first touch to your outer lips you shivered, grazing her lips with yours, your eyes locked onto hers. She stroked you with a featherlight touch, but refrained from giving you what you wanted and needed the most. She deliberately and gradually delved deeper until you felt her gentle fingers against your wetness, making you both moan.

"God, you're so ready for me, my Baby."

"Always."

She applied the lightest of pressure to your clit, drawing tiny circles, making you groan and rotate your hips to match her movements, helping her drive you higher and higher. Feeling more wetness leave your body, you tightened your hold on her, trying to convey how much you needed her. However, it was not like she did not know that already.

Her middle finger made its way to your opening, gathering more wetness before returning to your clit. "God, Benson! Please don't tease me."

Her throaty chuckle made you whimper more loudly and you closed your eyes, the tension in your body almost unbearable. "I'm so wet for you, my Baby. _Please_ , make love to me."

"Your wish is my command," she breathed against your lips, her hand slipping due to the amount of wetness oozing from you. Pressing your lips together, she pushed her tongue into your mouth at the same time she deliberately entered you with her middle finger, your groan echoing through the room. Starting a slow but steady pumping, she squeezed your right breast gently, lightly rolling your nipple between her forefinger and thumb. You felt your core throb at her ministrations and you broke the kiss to be able to look at her. Breathing heavily against her mouth, your noses brushing, you matched her movements, sinking down onto her finger with each of her upward pumps.

"More, Baby," you sobbed, your need for release becoming more urgent with each passing second.

She smirked lightly against your lips, pulling out so only the tip of her finger was inside, before pushing back in with two. Throwing your head back, you wailed, your eyes rolling into the back of your head at the sensations coursing through you.

"Look at me, Amanda," she whispered, biting your pulse point gently. Tilting your head forward again, you opened your eyes, brown orbs staring back at you and right into your soul. "I love you."

Fighting back your tears, you choked out, "I love you, too."

Your fingers found their way back into thick brown locks, lightly tugging, as your hips rose and sank back down onto her fingers. Meeting you halfway now, she curled her digits deep inside you to hit your spot, making your hips jerk sharply. Your eyes never left each other when you picked up your pace, the spongy spot inside you now being stimulated so deliciously. She wrapped her free arm around your back again to pull you closer and then reached for your backside to guide you down onto her fingers.

You struggled to keep your eyes open, but you wanted to look at her while she made you come. There was nothing like the safety and trust you felt while being wrapped in her arms and being so connected when she made sweet, passionate love to you.

You bore yourself down harder onto her digits, panting against her mouth now, and you knew that she knew that you were close. Feeling her thumb against your clit made you jump and groan loudly once again, your throbbing nub being stimulated perfectly. Her eyes wandered down between your bodies, watching her own fingers disappear inside you over and over again, at a fast pace now. Her fingers stayed curled, your g-spot being rubbed with each of her movements and you felt the warm euphoria spread through your body, starting in your toes. When she felt your walls tighten she looked back up, chocolate orbs boring into your own blue ones, the emotion in them overwhelming.

You panted and wailed, your lips brushing against hers, your body just at the brink of its release. "Oh God, Baby… I'm gonna come… Uuuuuh, oh God… yes!"

"That's it, my Baby. Come for me," she rasped out, biting your lower lip gently.

These word were enough for your body to start jerking uncontrollably, wave after wave of your climax washing over you, giving you the release you so desperately needed. You kept riding her fingers until the last aftershock had subsided and you stilled in her arms. Her hand on your backside loosened its grip and she wrapped her arm around your middle once again, her other hand gently pulling out of you. Your clit twitched when you felt her remove her fingers, the excitement of your recent release seeping from you and dripping down onto her thighs, making her gasp. Her right arm joined her left already around you, pulling you into a hug, and you let your head fall onto her shoulder, breathing deeply.

She lay back with you being still wrapped in her arms and started stroking your back, waiting for you to come back down from your intense high. When you could feel your limbs again, you raised your head to lazily kiss her on the lips, "I love you with everything that I am."

Cupping your cheek, she whispered back, "I love you too. We can do this."

You nodded, kissing her softly once more before climbing off of her and pressing your body into her side, your head on her shoulder, your right arm and leg firmly wrapped around her. She tickled your lower back with a featherlight touch and you felt yourself drifting off.

The sheets were suddenly wrapped around you, her lips on your forehead, as she whispered, "Always."

Smiling sleepily, you mumbled back, "Always, my Baby."

xxxx

 **A/N 2: Thank you for reading. The quote is taken from the song _Break the Cycle_ by You+Me. Reviews are love.**

 **Until next time, my lovelies.**


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